the one about being home
If you would have asked me a year ago where I thought I would be right now, I would have said anywhere but home.
And yet here I am, home.
It has given me the deepest of joy while also wrecking me to the core. I don’t have words to fully explain. I even get overwhelmed with tears just typing this. It’s been so full of deep questions and deep revelations.
As I write this, I’m sitting at a coffee shop. I have a full time job that makes me thrive. I just got back from a spontaneous overnight adventure where I got to fall asleep underneath a billion stars and wake up to freezing cold air and a stunning sunrise on top of a mountain.
I get to do things I love. I get to live on the water and be in it almost everyday. I get to hang out with people that mean the world to me and that understand me without words. I get to explore the mountains as my backyard which makes me feel more alive than anything else.
I get to live well here.
But, see, I didn’t want to come back. I know it’s not the place where I’ll spend the rest of my life. However, I know, I just know, deep down, that I need to be here for this next season.
It honestly was one of the hardest things I felt pulled toward in a long time. My yes to the race was easy, my yes to CGA was easy, but my yes to home was hard.
Because, frankly, home can be a really hard place. It’s where our story lives. It’s where we get confronted with our past in a way nothing else can confront us. It’s where we get to face the pain we’ve been running away. It’s right here.
This, I believe, is the reason why I’m here. I’m scared to feel. But we’ve got to be brave in order to feel. We’ve got to. We’ve got to be brave enough to look into each others eyes and be honest about the pain. We’ve got to be brave enough to risk and to fail. To ask the question we don’t want to ask because the truth seems overwhelming. We’ve got to be brave enough to stare into the eyes of fear and loneliness and brokenness and say I’m not running away, not this time. We’ve got to be brave enough to hope for the good things and to trust that He really is who he says he is.
So yes, I believe this is the reason why I’m here. I believe this is a season to rejoice, to live and to love well while having freedom to do what I love. I believe this is a season where the Father is leading me into deeper healing of some major deficiencies I have in my life.
It requires both risk and willingness, but I want to.
I have experienced that the dreams He has for my life are too precious and full of wonder and never with the intentions of harming me, that I can’t say no. Not to this.
So here’s to a season of being home.
