The Tree

If you spent any time around me in the last few weeks you have probably heard me talk about the tree.

The tree of self-awareness. The tree of knowledge. Or the tree of pain, whatever you wanna call it. 

I learned about it a few weeks ago during a conversation. We went to the whiteboard and started drawing the tree. And it kind of changed my life. 

I like visuals, it helps me understand things. The concept of the tree is simple. The fruit that it brings is death, because it’s the tree of knowledge, you know. Once you recognize the fruit (a sin pattern) you move down to symptoms. How does it manifest itself in your life? And then eventually you go to the root. You ask the Father to reveal where it all started.

I jokingly refer to the whiteboard as the board of death sometimes because I know it will lead to life eventually, but right in the moment it feels more like death. I looked at my mentor who was leading me through this and I said “oh wow. This is no fun.”

No, it’s not. It’s painful and it hurts. But it’s such a necessary part of healing. 

The last few weeks have been interesting. I have experienced so much joy, yet so much pain. They were filled with lots of hard and life giving conversations and tears. 

The tree has helped me to get to the root of things. Things that make me unhealthy and prevent me from being a better version of myself. Six months ago I would have probably walked out of that room (with the whiteboard in it). But I decided to stay. I decided to stay and actually let God take me through this. 

Because something beautiful happens when we let him. See, brokenness doesn’t feel like fun, in fact, I’m a fairly optimistic person but I wrote in my journal a couple of weeks ago that “if this is what brokenness feels like, then it sucks.” Because it does. When you face it, when you feel it, it doesn’t feel like there is any good in it. It hurts. A lot. 

But there is a beautiful thing that happens because the Father doesn’t leave us alone in those places. I started saying what Moses used to say, “if you’re not coming with me, then I’m not going.” I am not doing this alone, I am desperate for him to meet me down there, at the root.

He can’t heal something I’m not ready to let go. He can’t take away something I’m not willing to give. But when I do, He is going to take it and he is going to redeem it and make it beautiful. 

He is going to meet me there.

The good thing is, everyone can do this. See, I am not wired for the process. Being and ENFP and a 7 (CGA lingo, haha), everything in me screams when it comes to slowing down and facing pain. It’s literally the worst combination when it comes to processing and you are in an unhealthy spot. Lol. But, and I never thought I would say this (#growth), there is so much good and so much healing when we submit. At least that’s what I think is going to happen.

So, this whole tree thing has taught me a lot. It’s changed me. And I’m telling you, if I can do it, anyone can.