“You and I are who we are in part because of the places we’ve been.” – Seth Barnes
My feet are touching the sand, the sun is burning on my skin, tears are streaming down my face. “You are a good father. You are perfect in all of your ways.” Nothing has ever cost me more to say.
It is a Wednesday morning, month 10 of our race, we are in the Kalahari Desert in Botswana. Like every morning before heading out, our team meets to pray and worship together. But I’m not feeling it. God feels farther away than he ever has. I don’t understand a single thing that is happening around me. I’m at a place where I can’t run away. I can’t pretend THIS doesn’t hurt. “You are a good father.” That’s a big statement. What’s the point in singing it if I don’t believe it?
In the midst of the waging battle inside of me I hear his gentle whisper:
“Child, this is what it comes down to. Will you actually worship me in your pain?”
I stop. And I make a decision. “You are a good father. You are perfect in all of your ways.” These words hold power. As I start to slowly proclaim them over my life, something inside of my is starting to shift. I’m wrestling, I’m wrestling hard because this season of loss hurts and I don’t understand why it’s happening. Thick tears are running down my face but I am starting to feel hope. More hope than ever before. Nothing has ever cost me more to say, but worship is not dependent on feelings, it’s a choice.
I am a firm believer that God is always here, but I am convinced that there is a special, unique, and more intimate side of him that is showing when we choose him in our pain.
That day, in the Kalahari Desert, when I wanted to run away from everything, God met me. And I am incredibly thankful for that moment.
“I wake up every morning crying out to him. I have nothing left to give. I feel weak. So I cry out to him because I need him to rescue me. I need him to give me strength. And you know what the beautiful thing is? When he said he would never leave us, when he said he would meet us in the wilderness and speak tenderly to us – he actually meant it. When I feel like I can’t take one more step, when I feel like giving up, he steps in and carries me and holds me. Every single time.” – journal entry
